Menu

And now, in the spirit of the season:

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.
Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
I didn’t get rich by signing checks.
Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Ahoy hoy? Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Thank you, steal again.

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Thank you, steal again. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. D’oh. I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

Me fail English? That’s unpossible. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. You don’t win friends with salad.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.